Chronic Ruination

so why even bother trying to use it?!!!

Why have I had  this conversation, it seems like,  over and over again since Summer came?!!   It’s like these little dick boys think that the hot weather will make it seem bigger or something.

I  was hanging out with some girls by the pool that I’m ok with yesterday afternoon.  I wouldn’t call them friends because I’d have to be gone on all kinds of stuff to be seen with them out in public.  You know the type, ghetto Asians and Indians(real ones, not the Chris Columbus appointed ones like me).

The types that fuck a black guy, start thinking they’re Nicole Scherzinger or something, then decide to activate their ghetto card.  The types that have been sheltered all their lives then finally come to college and fuck EVERYTHING in sight just because a guy  gave them conversation.  Most of them are what my new dick on demand guy, J.B calls seasonal.  They only hookup with athletes and only when that particular athlete’s sport is in season.

We were all talking about the new guy who works at the bar that’s a few blocks down.  Two of them have hooked up with him….or attempted to.   Sex only counts if you actually feel something right?!!  Keep reading and you’ll find out why these girls aren’t counting him on the list of guys they’ve done.

Let’s call him Nick.  Nick is 28, your typical guido type.  He works the door and then bartends if it gets busy and they’re short staffed.  If he’s working the door, he  doesn’t card if you’re cute.    He just started working there this summer and he’s pretty much almost famous… in a bad way

I’d gotten fair warning from Lex the last time she was here.  She knew about him before anyone else did.  He got 2 fake numbers from me, then gave up.  Guys like him are a waste of an outfit.  He’s cute but short and I’m not even looking at guys under 6′0 anymore.  Oh and he tries to hook up with EVERYONE.

No surprise there, that’s what guys who work at bars do. My question is why try to hook up with every girl in sight when more than half of the  under 130 lb set knows that you’re a 4 incher?!!!  He just wants girls to know how useless he is.  It’s so bad that when I was down there the other night, he walks by kisses this girl on the cheek then goes off to the back.   As soon as he walks away, the girl looked at her friend, held up her pinky and laughed. So did a few other girls who weren’t with them; they knew too!!

Like I said, it’s like they think that just because it’s summer, the heat and humidity combo might make it seem just a little bigger.  Tiny dick boys are funny.  Speaking of…

Over the weekend when I wasn’t dealing with rosie’s slight oversight, I got a hilarious call on my cheating girlfriend EXperience line.  We’re going to call him micromachine mike. All of mike’s problems stem from the fact that his stem is a little slow to develop.  Well, maybe slow to develop isn’t such  an accurate description…

At 41, I think mike’s little friend is probably only going to get smaller. The sad thing is that he’s a doctor!!!  You’d think he could find a cure or something for his little disability!  I think I’m still expecting too much.  He could snort extendz and have a penis prosperity prayer session with the Pope, Billy Graham, the Dali Lama and whoever those Muslim guys look up to.  The little guy still isn’t going to hover too many nanometers over that 4 inch mark.

Guys like that have to take what they can get.  He should have settled down with some plain little chemistry major from undergrad, but nooooo.  He had to build up a very nice life only to meet some woman 11 years younger than he is with a kid 29 years younger than he is who is basically treating him according to his worth in inches. Now you guys do all of the math.

he’s getting married to her soon, she has a boyfriend that is a regular overnight guest in their home.  mike even fluffs and cleans for them.  Oh, and he does their laundry too!!  It goes without saying that she keeps him in chastity, but the best part is that he’s neutered too!!  The wife-to-be made him get the snip, I wonder if she made him wear an Elizabethan collar too.  Well it couldn’t be any worse than the other things she makes him wear, not that they aren’t pretty things of course :).

Now, I was feeling a little diplomatic while he was pouring out his heart to me so I asked him how all of that makes him feel.  He had this glazed over tone to his voice tinged with pure bliss when he told me,

I’ve never really been able to please a woman anyway, so this takes a lot of pressure off of me.

I think he’s onto something, if you don’t have the equipment, why use it  at all?  It’s like swiping your card when you know it’s maxed out.  Speaking of which, she maxes out his cards on a regular basis and what does he do?  Pays them off like a good little neutered boy.

So if any of you “real men” are reading this and wondering what the hell is wrong with this guy.  My answer is absolutely nothing!  He’s smart.  When the odds aren’t in your favor, and you reach for the topshelf item, you’d better be prepared to have everything around it to come falling down!!  mike’s been prepared.  Now the question is, if you’re under 6 inches but want a topshelf girl, what are you going to do to be prepared?  Let’s talk about your options…

Click the cheating girlfriend EXperience button on the sidebar.  You might get 3 free femdom phone sex minutes if you’re new to Niteflirt.

I had a VERY interesting day on the phone today…

As usual, I get a slut on the phone whose Y chromosome left him a little short-handed.   I never like for these boys to tell me initially just how tiny it is I love building up to it; I like the shock!

Size is so subjective.  My tiny is probably what you consider small. Everytime a guy tells me he’s less than 5 inches rock hard, I don’t automatically think about how worthless he must be sexually.  It makes me wonder what’s wrong with the rest of him, then I think about how worthless he is in bed!!

Thinking in terms of natural selection, actually getting to breed, passing on genes, etc… the most genetically superior members of a species have the most symmetrical, well-formed physical characteristics.  Short and malformed appendages are just one big neon sign that the person may not be who you want to pair up with to make babies…or for  any other reason.

The slut on the phone with the not-so big neon sign between his legs told me that he actually does have a condition called micropenis that causes him to basically have just a nub!!!  Considering the things he told me about his sex life, I thought he was just trying to make me laugh, but he wasn’t.

I still laughed, but not nearly as hard when I googled micropenis and came up with this awesome article. I wonder if he realizes how truly hilarious his question is.  Check it out, and if it sounds like you…give me a call!!  Don’t be a victim of your nub!!  I can find some alternate uses of your sexuality or lack there of!!  I’ll be on around 4am EST, maybe before if downtown sucks tonight.

My new boy for the summer, he’s the Trader Joe in the previous post, is officially not my favorite person anymore. The entire week, he’s been up my ass!!  Not in the way you pervs are probably wishing; you can seriously hold off on lubing up the disablility between your legs.

We spent practically all week together.  That was definately not the plan.  We spent nearly 3 hours in Sephora Wednesday!!  He didn’t complain once.  He’s just not that type of guy!  I wish he was though, because that means he’s the other kind…

“Fucktard Unawaris”.   He looks good on the outside and that’s ALL there is.  This kind of guy builds up an almost unassailable front.  He has to because he has ZERO personality. He’s just a self-made caricature of all the guys he’s ever met that don’t ever have their masculinity questioned. Then, when the agent persona decides to phone it home, all that’s left is this clingy, whiny, needy, insecure mess.   Most are breastfed wayyyy past a socially acceptable age.

I just did what anyone in my situation would do; I introduced him to the reality of hooking up with a girl who really doesn’t want a 5′7″ boyfriend. After he finished his “worship my pussy like Lex does” lesson, yesterday morning.  I showered, got dressed, and asked him to leave because I needed a Me day.  The look on his face told me that I was dealing with someone that has the emotional maturity of a 5 year old who just found out that Santa isn’t real.

After he finally left, I went to go grab lunch and take my dog to the park…ALONE!!  I hadn’t had time to reclaim my sanity for even  3 hours when I get a text, “wut u doin, miss u”.  I sent him one back that said, “at the park, catch u later”.  Major hint right?  I guess it wasn’t major enough.  He sent another saying, “ynot 2nite?”  It was ignored with the 5 other texts and 2 “missed” calls.

I already know why a guy would act like Joe does.  Take a look at my hot, tight ass on my all about me page and you’ll instantly see what he’s up against.  How do you quantify unfair advantage?  32-24-34!!

I know what a guy is thinking when he does things like that but what I want to know is, “What ARE you thinking?!!!!!”  Who thinks it’s ok to act like the equivelent of 3 pre-menstrual women having Lifetime movie night with their 3 post partum friends. Out yourselves…you’re paying for another loser’s sins tonight.

At least it shouldn’t.  Since Lex has been gone I’ve had to fill the social void in my life. So lately I’ve been hanging out with this guy I met last year, but never really took the time to get to know on any real level.  If I had to define our thing, I’d have to say that he’s a Trader Joe.  You know,  one of those people that you call to help the time go by while you’re doing stuff like grocery shopping?  It’s  hard to actually get to know people like that on any real level because  you’re always half involved in the conversation, and half involved with whatever randomness going on.  Since all my usual people have either gone back home for the summer or doing the study abroad thing, I decided to call my Trader Joe.

He’s actually pretty cool.  We’ve been laying out by the pool, finding out what our girl and boy parts are good for, running errands…

He’s actually a pretty cool guy.  Not clingy, and soooo hot!!  Thick curly blonde hair, green eyes, awesome body, 8.75 THICK inches…but he’s 5′7!!!  I’m 5′10.  Still, he’s my new buddy for the summer I think.

We went out last night, or at least attempted to.

Sometime late last year, the overly concerned government officials of my locale decided that the 18 to party, 21 to drink thing was contributing to the decay of society in some way. It wasn’t a problem though, I paid my 26 year old cousin $30 for her driver’s license. We don’t look that similar.  Her biological dad is white, but she’s brown with black hair…close enough. Business as usual until last night…

The guy working theat the bar we were going to hit up first looked at “my”(I paid for it so it’s mine!!) driver’s license then at me.  He got this smug little smirk then asked me to tell him “my” driver’s license number.  Of course I couldn’t and I tried to play it off.  Does anyone really know their license number?  He was all too happy to ask me what color my eyes were.  Fuck, my cousin’s eyes are green!!!!  Then he proceeded to take my license and tell me how much trouble I could get into.  I swear he probably had a hard-on, he was so happy to tell me that.

I’m already working on another one, but I don’t get the cousin discount. Hopefully, it’s not the same guy who did this masterpiece

Oh well, it needs to hurry and get here.  Before, I start my summer job, I plan to go to L.A. in a week or so and some other places. It’s really not worth it to try and get some door  Nazi to let me in without carding, so I’m hanging out at home.  Use one of the arrange call button on the right if you want to make your night a little more interesting.

Good news!  Spring semester 2008 is officially two weeks behind me!!!  As most of my little domination phone sex bitches know, that means I’m available without having to necessarily arrange a call.   Check out the about me section of my page to see the days and times I’m around  each week.

Bad news…

My best friend with benefits/sometimes roommate left this morning to go back home for the summer.  I love my “Lex”; she such a hot little bitch.  Seriously,  it’s like fucking the 5′8″,  blonde,green-eyed version of myself. I’m not above admiting that I  like certain people and want them around me simply because they serve  as a reference point for some of the things I love about myself.

Yes, I’m a girl-prick for saying something like that.  No, I sleep at night just fine and somehow manage to drop a dollar or two in the Salvation Army kettles around the holidays too. She’s the best friend I’ve probably ever had but I do have a few issues with her.

She swears we’re the same size, when she’s really about a Banana Republic size 4.  Vanity sizing victimization is so real and so sad! She’s stretched so many of my things beyond recoginition. She, her dad, or the main guy she usually hooks up with always pay for what she ruins so it’s not entirely a huge deal.  I don’t know what she gets out of having a closet full of my pre-worn size 0 and 2’s that’s she’s mangled and stretched to fit her. Oh well, it’s not for me to understand I guess. I just hope she doesn’t eventually turn into this. Sometimes all you can do is hope…

She’s also HUGE on proximity play and is such an attention whore. If we’re out shopping, eating, clubbing, whatever and she sees a guy or group of guys…she’s ALL over me.  It doesn’t matter if the guys is actually fuckable or fugly, she’s a little too happy to display her girl on girl-friendliness!

Ok,  it’s fun…sometimes…most of the time.  We were in Phipps a few months ago waiting in line at the sushi place.  We were giggling at this old couple in front  of us: 40-ish,  your classic example of a marriage with strong stockholm syndrome overtones.

The wife was loudly going on and on about stuff that wouldn’t matter to anyone not named Jesus.  I still think that the Word made Flesh and any of his hispanic namesakes might have a hard time being around this woman for longer than 5 minutes.  The second the hostage would try to add something to the conversation, the wife would pretty much ignore him and keep her little monologue going.  It was pretty annoying.  Eventually, she told him to wait there while she found a restroom, and told him to hold her bag. I could see the sides of his face crinkle into  up into a pretty decent grin.  I’m not sure why he started smiling after being forced to hold something that couldn’t even pass for one of those gay little manbags.  Maybe he was glad for just a few moments of peace or he may have been genuinely happy to hold his warden’s bag.  I only had one thought on my mind, “why would anyone go to a restroom and not take her bag with her?!!!” Especially since it was one of these !!

Lex and I were talking about how amazing it was, when the hostage turned around told us that it was the ugliest thing he’d ever spent half a mortgage payment on. My first thought was, “Oh wow, it speaks?!!!”  Then I started thinking about how sad it is to see a man whose life is half over with, still trying to impress two girls he’d never met with something that belonged to his wife!!  To get all poetic, it’s like he had fallen on both sides of the front of the obvious civil war going on within himself.  He tried to sound so smug as he casually tried to, no in any way at all subtle, let us know just how much financial girth he was working with. On the other hand, the poor guy obviously had fallen into a foxhole he probably never imagined himself in twenty or thirty years ago.  Middle-Aged and trying to act like the guy with it all, while holding the most feminine(it’s got fairies on it!!) of fetish objects.

We talked to him for a little bit more, just slightly less inane stuff than his wife was spewing. He asked us if we’d like to go ahead of him since there were only a  few people left before it was his turn to order and he wanted to wait until his wife came back.  Guess he knew better than to order for her :D.

As soon as we stepped in front of him, Lex reached around my waist and rested her hand on my hip.  She looked back in his direction and told him she hoped his wife wasn’t going to keep him waiting too much longer.  At the same time, she snaked her finger along the waistband of my skirt.  She  took her time finding my g-string and tugged gently at it until part of the thin, silk material was more than clearly visible over the top of the waistband. I let a few of her eager fingers dip as far down the front as possible.  See?!! Such an attention whore!! When I felt her fingers start to appreciate the awesome job the esthetician did on my wax, I was inspired by  the same sort of charitable spirit, as when I toss a few dollars into the previously mentioned Salvation Army kettle. I turned to the side to give our new, middle-aged friend a little peek.

I enjoyed  the tease and denial game Lex started and I’m guessing the hostage did too because he held his wife’s bag right in front of the hint of a bulge that he didn’t cover up quickly enough before we both saw.  I asked him which color he likes better, magenta or fuchsia. Of course he didn’t know the difference.   I explained to him that my panties were magenta. Then I cupped Lex’s ass with my hand, and slowly mimicked the same method she used to show him mine.  I didn’t get the chance to give him a peek at what fuchsia looks like, because the warden came back!!  The look on his face when I told him that maybe he’d like to have his place in line back because his wife/warden had come back?  Well let’s just say that it was worth a million Prada fairy bags!!  Oh well, guess he’ll have to learn his colors some other time.  I’m sure he became pretty familiar with one in particular that day…

Speaking of…

Here’s a bit philosophy for the chronically aroused and unrelieved dick stroking sluts. If your balls go unreleased, does your sexual frustration ever make a “sound”?   I’m sure our plaything at Phipps that day will forever equate the sound of his wife’s heels  with the ruin of what would have probably been the most interesting day he’d ever had in his life.  Another few minutes and  he probably thought we would have exchanged numbers and had lots of interesting days.  Not even close, but I like to give guys like that hope.  Sometimes, a little charity and hope is all any of us has to hold onto.

Be the best or sit down, shut up and beg to watch someone who is….

Mfs.(Princess) Kara

I’m so glad the semester is final over!! My course load wasn’t that bad.

It’s just that for some reason, professors/instructors/t.a.’s think that their students want to hear them talk about their cat, their piece of shit car, or whatever else matters to them.  If any of you reading my blog are college/university faculty and are guilty of this, find a fucking outlet!!

I don’t care what it is.  Looking at porn on university computers and jerking off before you give a lecture is classic and effective!! I don’t know why I bothered going to class half the semester because almost all of the lectures would end up going this way.  Before I sent my laptop to hell by spilling a Caramel Macchiato on it, I’d spend most of my time in class on Perezhilton.com.

It’s a celebrity gossip blog type thing, like TMZ. That’s not my thing most of the time, but Perez is like the male,fat, gay, Cuban version of me!  He’s such a cunt….and I love him for it!

I love him even more for this. Check out the entire post here. His wife, Posh Spice says that thing is like an exhaust pipe!!

Take note boys…if you don’t look like this half-naked, the only thing you can do for me is listen outside the door and whine to be let in while I play with someone who does!

If you’ve got a significant amount of sagging going on in the front of your tighty whities… maybe something pink and silky is more your thing.  I’m just being honest!

If I’m hooking up with a guy and I find out he has a dick deficiency, I can’t even look at him sexually. Game over, instantly! It’s amusing, really because it seems like the more inches they are away from 8….the harder they try!  Let me just say for the record, most girls that are under 160 lbs, and that aren’t under the influence of roofies are not going to hook up with a 5 incher!  There are some exceptions, they’re probably Mormons, but there are exceptions I guess.

So why not, give me a little entertainment?  If you’re 30 and over and 5 inches and under, leave a comment.  Let me know what your sex life has been lik, or how expensive it’s been ;). I need somthing to laugh about and I’m sure there are plenty of like-minded ladies who will  get a good laugh at your nano-dicks too.